Asep Darmawan
In an era defined by hyper-productivity, optimized schedules, and the relentless pursuit of self-improvement, the human desire for total control has reached a fever pitch. Yet, according to psychotherapist Steve Hauptman, this very pursuit is the primary architect of our modern anxiety. In a compelling exploration of human behavior, Hauptman posits that we are, by and large, a society of “control addicts”—individuals tethered to the impossible expectation that we can force reality to conform to our desires.
The central thesis of this psychological struggle is elegantly captured by a sentiment from teacher Sylvia Boorstein: “I once heard someone say that a sign of enlightenment was the ability to say (and mean it), ‘Well, this isn’t what I want, but it’s what I got, so okay.’”
The Rubik’s Cube Metaphor: A Life Out of Sync
For many, life feels less like a journey and more like an insoluble puzzle. Hauptman illustrates this through the metaphor of a Rubik’s Cube. He recalls an encounter with a "speed-cuber"—a person capable of aligning the colors of the cube in under a minute. While the interaction was pleasant, it triggered a deep, internal resentment in Hauptman, which he later identified as a metaphor for the struggle of daily existence.
“I hated him because I was jealous,” Hauptman reflects. “Life always felt to me just like one big insoluble Rubik’s Cube. I could never get things under control on all sides at once. The harder I tried to make one side of my cube all one color, the more infuriatingly multicolored the other sides got.”
This experience highlights the universal friction of modern living. We are forced to engage in a constant state of trade-offs: professional growth versus domestic stability, physical health versus social indulgence, and intellectual stimulation versus necessary rest. The fundamental realization that eludes many is that the capacity to do everything does not exist.
The Three Paradoxes of Control
Hauptman, author of Monkeytraps: Why We Try to Control Everything and How We Can Stop, identifies three specific paradoxes that govern our attempts to manipulate our environment. These insights serve as a framework for understanding why our efforts to "fix" our lives often backfire.
1. The Paradox of Need
The first paradox suggests that the intensity of our desire for control is inversely proportional to our sense of security. The more we believe we need control, the more vulnerable and out of control we actually feel. This creates a feedback loop of anxiety that keeps the individual in a perpetual state of vigilance.
2. The Paradox of Resistance
The second paradox highlights the interpersonal cost of our behavior. The harder we push to control the people around us—our spouses, children, or colleagues—the more we incite them to resist or control us in return. This cycle erodes trust and intimacy, replacing genuine connection with power struggles.
3. The Paradox of Opportunity Cost
The third, and perhaps most disruptive, paradox is the physical law of human life: to gain control in one area, you must inevitably surrender it in another. This is the "scrambled side" of the cube. Every "yes" to a project, a habit, or a demand is a "no" to something else. When we ignore this reality, we perceive the resulting trade-offs as personal failures rather than the natural consequences of choice.
Chronology of a Shifting Perspective
For decades, the standard response to a "scrambled" life was a critique of the self. If the house was messy, it was a failure of management. If a professional goal wasn’t met, it was a failure of discipline. This narrative of self-blame is common across demographics, particularly among high-achievers.
However, a shift in consciousness occurs when an individual moves from resisting these trade-offs to accepting them as inherent to the human experience. This shift is not instantaneous; it is a gradual realization that the "addicted" part of the brain—the part that demands cake and the absence of calories—must be acknowledged and eventually tempered.
The transition from a state of reactive anxiety to one of acceptance is illustrated by a personal anecdote from Hauptman regarding a medical emergency. After a cardiogram revealed a potential transient ischemic attack (TIA), he was sent to the emergency room for observation.
“At one time I would have reacted to all this with frustration, worry, or anger,” he notes. Instead, he found himself able to nap while waiting for test results, despite the significant professional and personal disruptions the delay caused. This ability to let go of the need to "solve" the situation in the moment marked a departure from his previous patterns of control-seeking.
Supporting Data: The Psychological Toll of Perfectionism
The implications of "control addiction" extend beyond mild frustration into the realm of clinical pathology. Data from cognitive-behavioral studies suggest that perfectionism and an excessive need for control are highly correlated with burnout, generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), and relationship dissolution.
- Relationship Estrangement: Studies in family systems therapy indicate that when one partner attempts to exert total control over the domestic sphere, the resulting emotional distance often leads to a "parallel play" dynamic where partners essentially stop communicating.
- Occupational Burnout: High-achieving executives who sacrifice personal health and familial bonds for professional status frequently face "the crash"—a point of emotional or physical exhaustion where the cost of their control-based strategy becomes unsustainable.
- Substance Misuse: The attempt to manage feelings through substances (like alcohol or medication) is a classic example of seeking external control for an internal state. The irony, as observed in addiction recovery, is that the substance eventually assumes complete control over the user.
Implications for the Future
The implication for society is clear: we must move toward a more sustainable definition of success that incorporates the concept of "cost." When we recognize that every action has a trade-off, we can make those choices with intention rather than reacting to the "scrambled" sides of our lives with shame.
Embracing the "No" in Every "Yes"
Acceptance is not the same as passivity. It is the active acknowledgement that life is not a linear puzzle to be solved. When an individual accepts that a productive workday means a messy kitchen, they can choose to prioritize one without the toxic weight of feeling that they have failed the other.
The Role of Professional Guidance
Therapeutic interventions, such as those advocated by Hauptman, focus on "de-escalating" the addicted part of the personality. By learning to label the urge for control as a defense mechanism rather than a functional tool, individuals can begin to navigate their lives with greater grace.
Conclusion
The pursuit of total control is a siren song that promises order but delivers exhaustion. By acknowledging the paradoxes that govern our existence, we can stop viewing our inability to "have it all" as a character flaw. Instead, we can view it as the natural price of being human.
As we move forward into an increasingly complex world, the most radical act may be to stop trying to force the cube into place. Enlightenment, it seems, is not found in the perfect alignment of all sides, but in the quiet, steady ability to look at a chaotic reality and say, "This isn’t what I wanted, but it’s what I have, so okay."
Steve Hauptman, LCSW, is a psychotherapist specializing in the psychology of control. His work, including the book "Monkeytraps," serves as a guide for those seeking to dismantle the unhealthy expectations they place on themselves and their relationships. For further information, visit stevehauptman.com.
Raul Delapena Setiawan
Muslim
